what’s going on?

what’s going on?

Hi!

It’s been awhile, aye?

How are you guys feelin’?

badan panas, ac kantor dingin banget, gak ada orang. cocoklah buat curhat di sini.

gak curhat sih, ngobrol aja.

gue gak ngerti kenapa kadang gue gak paham sama perasaan gue sendiri?

bukan gak paham sih, kadang suka ada perasaan aneh yang tiba-tiba dateng. terus bikin gue kepikiran, dan ujungnya kejadian. firasat, kah?

gue pernah bilang juga kayaknya di salah satu tulisan gue di sini. bahwa sepi itu bukan ketika kita sendiri, justru ketika kita bareng orang lain tapi kita ngerasa sendiri. ngerasa kayak sedih aja gitu. it’s indescribable sih, tapi ya it’s what i’ve been feeling these days.

i feel like i’ve lost you. and this is not the first time. i don’t feel your love that you are used to saying. i need more than words. 

but, how can i ask you many things when i give you nothing? are you happy with me or you’ve been pretending? 

i can hear you saying ‘i love you’ but i don’t feel it. they are just words and you don’t mean them.

you may think i’m too much. but i can’t lie. i can’t deal with your doubts anymore. i told you many times to stop questioning me things you’ve already known! 

stop thinking that what you’ll get from me is the worst possibility. 

i’m tired. you don’t trust me. 

if i can’t meet you ’cause i’m catching cold, you’ll think that i just don’t wanna meet you without any reason.

if i can’t meet you ’cause i have another appointment with someone else, you’ll think that i will meet someone that i’m cheating on. 

isn’t it exhausting? 

wait. how about this, can you differentiate?

———-

A

x: i’m hungry.

y: haven’t you eaten yet? ugh, sounds so bad. why don’t you just buy McD as it’s your favorite?

B

x: i’m hungry.

y: just eat then.

A

x: where can i find someone who can fix my pants? 

y: i’m not not sure about it. have you googled it? or just wait, let me check it if it’s possible. 

B

x: where can i find someone who can fix my pants?

y: a tailor. 

———-

it seems simple. i know. i hope you can see the differences. 

gue kadang juga mikir kok, emang gue nya yang berlebihan. gue cuma gak biasa aja.

jujur, gue gak pernah mau membandingkan hubungan gue yang sekarang dengan hubungan-hubungan gue yang sebelumnya. tapi kerasa banget perbedaannya. gue cuma butuh waktu buat membiasakan diri.

semua orang pasti berbeda.

maka dari itu gue gak bisa menyamaratakan. jadi kemungkinan besar ya kesalahannya ada di diri gue.

yang banyak ngeluh.

komplen.

permintaan.

tapi bukannya lebih buruk ya kalau gue gak jujur sama sekali atau diem aja dan ujungnya malah nyakitin diri gue sendiri?

hmm. entahlah.

xx

gin-andtonic

 

 

 

 

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